How to react after the announcement or discovery of infidelity? Advice from our psychologist

in collaboration with

Amélie Boukhobza (Clinical psychologist)

Infidelity is a difficult ordeal for a couple to go through. It is even very often the cause of a separation, when it cannot be overcome. How to react after such an announcement from your partner? Or when you discover infidelity yourself? The answers of Amélie Boukhobza, psychologist.

Astonishment, a state of shock that occurs when we hear the news

“Infidelity is a betrayal, a breach of the contract of trust, a blow to loyalty. It legitimizes and excuses almost all reactions, as long as they remain non-violent physically” explains Amélie Boukhobza first. “The stages experienced can be similar to those of mourning, because it is, in a way, about mourning a relationship that was until then ‘idealized’“.

This is why the first reaction after discovery is often astonishment. “A state of shock that can sometimes leave one speechless, torn and paralyzed between incomprehension and pain.” analyzes our expert.

Before focusing on the future of your relationship, what are the first reflexes to have when you discover/learn about infidelity? “My advice would be to take a moment for yourself.” recommends the psychologist. “Allow yourself to experience the shock without making hasty decisions“.

After the astonishment, it is typical to go through a phase of denial. “It is an unconscious defense mechanism to minimize or deny the reality of infidelity. You need to discuss it with someone you trust, someone who can listen without judgment. Because verbalizing can help you face reality.” believes Amélie Boukhobza.

Anger and sadness, the next stages

When denial wears off, anger often arises. “It manifests itself against the unfaithful partner, against oneself, or even against the person with whom the infidelity took place. summarizes the psychologist. “It must be expressed as it comes, avoiding immediate and impulsive confrontations. Writing, exercising, or using any other means to vent this anger is recommended.” advises our expert.

After anger comes sadness, deep and accompanied by feelings of betrayal and loss. “You have to allow yourself to be sad, even to cry, and avoid being alone during this difficult time by quickly creating a support structure around you” recommends Amélie Boukhobza.

The final step: acceptance of the situation

Finally, the acceptance stage often occurs. “Acceptance does not mean approving of infidelity, but rather recognizing the reality of the situation. It is a transitional phase towards healing and decision-making” explains the specialist.

Only then can we take the time to think about what we really want for the future of the relationship. “If children are involved, they must remain the priority, regardless of the emotional states they experience.” recalls Amélie Boukhobza. “Put in place the best possible organization for their well-being. Finally, self-care: such as maintaining self-care routines, eating healthily, getting enough sleep, and exercising. In the end, the important thing is to find your own balance. The means will be different for everyone, but psychological support can be beneficial to put things back in place.” she concludes.

Slide: 10 signs that prove you are dealing with a serial cheater