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Amélie Boukhobza (Clinical psychologist)
Lily Allen and her husband have some surprising rules in place when using their cell phones: Each controls what apps the other can download on their phone. An unhealthy approach? We asked Amélie Boukhobza, psychologist, the question.
In an interview given to Sunday Times On Sunday May 26, British singer Lily Allen confided that she and her husband were subject to “parental controls” on their phones. A way to protect yourself from the harmful effects of social networks… but also to control the activities of others.
“I am the parent of his phone”
To have full access to each other’s data, Lily Allen and her companion chose to use… mobiles from the Pinwheel brand. These phones have the particularity of being completely subject to parental control, because they were designed for children.
“My husband is the designated parent, so he controls what apps I can have on my phone. And I’m the parent of his phone“, the singer told the British newspaper. Before adding: “The Pinwheel phone does not allow you to browse the internet or access social networks, but you can use Uber and Spotify“.
A small consolation at a time when phones are full of podcasts, series, books and other applications of all kinds.
But for the singer, this is not a problem. It’s even more of a solution: having a phone subject to parental control allows him to limit his time spent on it.
“The creative side of my brain has been destroyed by smartphones. I feel like everyone feels the same“, she added. “I don’t know anyone who can say that the quality of their life is improved by the presence of a smartphone. I think he destroyed us as a species. It’s horrible that they are designed to be so addictive. Some of us have more addictive personalities than others. It’s evil.”
However, this way of doing things is open to debate: this control can quickly transform into domestic cyberviolence. Indeed, monitoring and restricting access to your partner’s phone encroaches on their private life… and can quickly become a method of manipulation and domination.
Problematic behavior
Amélie Boukhobza, clinical psychologist, admits to being troubled by such an approach.
“Although some couples view this practice as a sign of transparency and trust, it can also be a sign of potentially problematic behavior. Let’s already define what we call domestic cyberviolence. It includes any form of control, intimidation, surveillance or harassment exercised through digital technologies. From control of communications to unauthorized access to personal accounts, to the use of technologies to monitor or manipulate the partner. It’s serious, it’s very intrusive and violent!”
Even if this is not the stated aim, such even mutual control is risky according to our expert.
“In the case of Lily Allen and her husband, parental controls to limit hyper connectivity present some dangers… that of being tempted to take a certain power over the other, to check everything he does (calls , messages, sites visited, activities etc.) and therefore to control it ever more“, underlines our expert, Amélie Boukhobza.
From jealousy to the desire for control
A report conducted in 2017-2018 among 302 women showed that 9 out of 10 women victims of domestic violence also suffered a form of cybercontrol from their partner or ex.
An attitude that can make you smile at first, or even be perceived as a sign of love (my partner protects me, is “jealous”…) except that it quickly turns into a trap.
That access to the telephone is permitted without constraint and without pressure, that’s one thing.”this can be a sign of a spirit of trust and transparency indeed“, but when sharing access “becomes a requirement or condition imposed by one of the partners, it can indicate something else, more on the side of control and unbalanced power”, warns the psychologist.
“Everyone has the right to privacy, even within an intimate relationship”
Trust must not be demonstrated by giving up one’s private sphere, otherwise the relationship will no longer be balanced and fulfilling for the couple.
“The results ? Deprivation of freedom and autonomy, fueling climates of distrust and excessive control. Let’s not forget that everyone has the right to a certain form of privacy, even within an intimate relationship. Respect for this private sphere is crucial for personal development and the health of the relationship.concludes our expert.
Slide: 10 Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship