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Showing empathy is an essential quality. But when this ability is not used to put oneself in the place of others, but to control one’s emotions, it can become unhealthy. This is called “emotional monitoring”. It involves constantly analyzing the emotions of others to avoid upsetting them, often to the detriment of one’s own well-being.
When your partner is upset, it’s common to ask them if everything is okay or if they might be upset with you. At first glance, you might think that we are simply being benevolent. But when this empathy is taken to the extreme, it can become an enemy. This is what we call “emotional monitoring”, or “emotional surveillance” in French. Concretely, this consists of “analyze the emotions of others and try to know how to react based on what you perceive rather than what you feel yourself“, explains Pamela Orren, clinical psychologist based in California, to the media Well and Good.
This behavior can manifest itself in romantic relationships, but also in family, friends and professional circles. Its context doesn’t matter, because it can be problematic for several reasons. “The goal is to know what others may be feeling in order to avoid making them uncomfortable. The control of emotions is accompanied by a feeling of anticipation and, as this anticipation is constant, the emotional state of the individual is neglected“, specifies Naomi Torres-Mackie, clinical psychologist, for Psychology Today.
In short, the person will analyze the emotions of the other, not to support them, but to reassure themselves and not upset them. However, it becomes a way of seeking validation from others in order to satisfy their need to please and relational security. Of course, this annoying habit can develop into toxicity within the couple or in a completely other relationship. “For some people, especially those with a history of trauma, this can become excessive. We want to know if the emotional environment around us will continue to be safe. So we start looking for disappointment, anger, fear, shame, all of those things. Or we start seeking approval and then base our own emotions or behaviors on those perceptions.”, underlines psychotherapist Israa Nasir in Well and Good. The person who constantly looks for negative signs can develop intense stress as well as emotional exhaustion. It is the same for the other person, who finds themselves constantly analyzed and questioned about their feelings. This person may end up losing patience and feeling exhausted from having to constantly reassure their partner.
If you want to put an end to this “emotional surveillance”, psychologist Nicole LePera (followed by more than eight million subscribers on Instagram) offers several crucial tips in a publication. She advises first being aware of how often you monitor the emotions of those around you. She also recommends keeping a journal “of your thoughts and feelings,” spending time alone, and focusing on your own needs. Also, she suggests adopting emotional tolerance by offering your help if a person seems to need it, but on the condition that you leave them alone if they wish. Finally, the psychologist emphasizes the importance of not constantly seeking perfection.
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