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Taking care of each other in a relationship is a natural and caring attitude. But constantly adapting to your partner’s emotions, so as never to offend them, is an inclination that can quickly prove harmful for you, as for the couple. Vigilance.
Empathy has never been mentioned so often as it is today. It is necessary to understand others, to support them, to build a solid and healthy relationship… But can we be too empathetic and suffer from it? Yes, if this ability consists of constantly denying your own limits, which is the case in emotional monitoring.
What is emotional monitoring?
In line with the people pleaser, which consists of doing everything to make those around you happy while forgetting yourself, emotional monitoring, or emotional control in French, also works against your own camp.
According to Pamela Orren, an American clinical psychologist, emotional monitoring consists of “analyze the emotions of others and try to know how to react based on what we perceive rather than what we feel ourselves”.
To adapt to what your other half wants, in short, without taking your own emotions into account. A form of “kindness” which has a cost, since if this behavior becomes recurrent, like a system, it can lead to both emotional exhaustion, and even to a certain imbalance in the couple, or even to a toxic relationship. On the other hand, the person who is constantly analyzed and questioned about their emotions gradually risks losing patience and feeling oppressed.
A control of one’s own emotions which resembles hyper-vigilance
In fact, people who practice this behavior constantly try to know how the other person will react.
“It is a constant, often unconscious, analysis or monitoring of the emotional states of others in order to anticipate negative feelings they may experience” underlines Naomi Torres-Mackie, another psychologist in the Psychology Today media. “The control of emotions is accompanied by a feeling of anticipation and, as this anticipation is constant, the emotional state of the individual is neglected.
This is not always the case, but this emotional control often occurs after trauma, such as hypervigilance put in place to control potential threats. The person thus intends to avoid disappointment, anger, shame (already experienced before) but they also need little by little to seek approval for what they feel… instead of simply experiencing their emotions.
Put aside your emotional monitoring
Do you feel concerned about this emotional control? If this state questions you, and restricts your emotions, a health professional will be able to discuss with you your limits, your emotions and allow you to see more clearly the origin of this defense. On the internet, psychologist Nicole LePera also recommends a 4-step method to try to break this control pattern:
- Become aware : Spend the next few days noticing how often you monitor the emotions of the people around you. Notice how often you ask “are you okay?” or make assumptions that someone is angry with you.
- Start introspecting : Emotionally monitoring people rarely do internal introspection because they are very outwardly focused. Write down your thoughts or feelings, spend time alone, focus on your own needs. Self-reflection is a practice.
- Practice emotional tolerance : If you notice someone is irritable or in a bad mood, ask: “How can I support you?” If they don’t want to have support, just allow them to be in a bad mood. You will learn yourself that emotions are fluid and cannot always be corrected;
- Stop looking for perfection.
Slide: Emotional hypersensitivity: 10 signs that should make you think about it