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Siyana Mincheva (Psychologist, psychotherapist)
When it comes to raising children, it’s important to be on the same page as your partner. Otherwise, beware of arguments and rifts, when one parent says “yes” to one thing and the other “no”. Here are five tips to avoid arguing with your partner about this, by Siyana Mincheva, psychologist.
Before having children, there is a fundamental question that a couple must ask themselves: what will be their way of raising them? Indeed, if one of the two members of the couple is rather firm, with strict educational principles, while the other is more flexible, there is a risk of things getting stuck at one point or another.
If it’s a subject you’ve never discussed, it’s not too late to avoid arguments. Here are five tips from our expert, psychologist Siyana Mincheva, for avoiding conflict over child-rearing.
Prioritize communication around these questions
“It is important to remember that our unreciprocal or unrealistic expectations contribute to the creation of conflicts” says Siyana Mincheva. This also applies to the education of children. “The idea is to become aware of our expectations and those of others” advises the expert.
And for that, nothing beats communication, which allows us to express our vision of things on the issue. So discuss calmly with your partner about the values and principles that you want to pass on to your offspring, in order to agree on the essentials.
Avoid denigrating your partner
Putting down others, whether in front of their children or friends, is never productive. The psychologist believes that the relationship even becomes toxic from the moment when “the father criticizes the mother in front of the children for example, or when the wife reproaches her husband in public or in front of friends”. To avoid therefore, so as not to create a gap between the two members of the couple and discredit the other in the eyes of the children.
Don’t forget to take others into account
Along the same lines, you have to put yourself in the other person’s place and try to understand them. “Why does he adopt this point of view? What is important to him about wanting children to adopt this or that attitude?. Indeed, recalls the specialist, “dIn conflict, we tend to be in a bubble. It is important to listen to our emotions and needs but if we forget what is happening to the other there is no longer any possibility of exchange.”.
Remember that it is possible to offer another model of education to your children
According to our expert, “the personal education of both parents plays a major role in that of the children, since very often the parents apply the same model of education that they received. For example, if the spouse had parents who were far too authoritarian, it is possible to reproduce the same pattern and be far too harsh with the children and/or with his or her spouse..
Is it possible to give an education different from what one received? Yes, according to Siyana Mincheva. “What matters is to be aware of it and to offer our children the best even if we have not received it, in our own education” she reassures. To do this, the right question to ask yourself is: “What would I do for myself if I were my own parent?”
Good in his body, good in his head!
Trusting our ability to transmit the best education
Education requires above all the love and kindness that we show to our children. “VSThis subject allows us to recall the importance of parental education” underlines the psychologist. “It is essential to educate our children with kindness, love, compassion, by offering them freedom of choice, a certain affirmation and the ability to distinguish what is good or bad based on our feelings and by trusting ourselves.“.
These values will ensure a solid education for the child and allow him “to leave the child as much freedom as possible so that he can build his thoughts and his character with complete serenity and confidence” she concludes.
Slide: 10 misconceptions about education