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Consoling a man, restoring his self-confidence, before seeing him commit… to another, that’s the whole drama of “girlfriend fluffers”. But according to a romantic relationship expert, it’s a cycle that can be broken if we listen to ourselves a little more.
Have you ever had the feeling of being there for a man, of showing him all the benefits of a life together before seeing him make a lasting commitment, but with another? If so, perhaps you are part of what the English call a “fluffer” girlfriend, a name that focuses on your comforting side (fluffer being a stuffed animal), but not lasting.
The girlfriend fluffer sets the stage, but for another
The term “girlfriend fluffer” was thus coined to describe the woman who unwittingly grooms her current partner for his next girlfriend. Either because she is trying (successfully) to convince a man to have a lasting relationship, while he does not want anything serious, or because he is a man lacking in confidence, she is going to help find his “mojo” (which he will use with someone else, but thank you!).
In The IndependentSabrina Bendory, a romantic relationship expert describes in a few words the situation, which affects many young women, sometimes relationship after relationship.
“You make it your mission to love this guy and you think that will reward you for your loyalty, but it doesn’t work out that way and he gains confidence and moves on.”
Your own emotional unavailability at stake
However, in this story of frustration, the problem does not necessarily come from the one we think. For Sabrina Bendory, there can be several reasons why women are placed in this thankless position.
“It’s possible that these women are attracted to projects. For example, a man with emotional problems and she makes it her mission to fix or heal him. But the reason this happens is because you are yourself- even emotionally unavailable. It’s possible that this goes back to childhood.”
So, this project would perhaps be based on a desire to be rewarded… Which has no place in love. Plus, according to the expert, this comforting place can also work against you. By supporting a man in a bad situation, by holding his hand, even if he may be grateful, he will always associate this with the difficult part of his life “So maybe it’s possible he needs someone new and jumps on it.”
Break the girlfriend fluffer cycle by taking an honest look
However, being a “fluffer” is not inevitable, it is also one of the first pieces of advice given by the expert to get out of this cycle: “NDon’t take it personally. Don’t just think ‘well, I guess I’m just the fluffy girl,’ because then you’ll continue to be that fluffy girl.”
On the other hand, Sabrina Bendory calls for more lucidity and the need for introspection on your motivations to avoid this disappointing relationship. Despite the notions of timing and complicity which may or may not establish a relationship, you will always benefit from taking an honest look at what unites you with the other:
“Don’t invest in anyone until you see that they’re the same level of investment. If you notice that people aren’t engaging with you in a certain way, think about how you treat yourself. Make sure you fuel your own self-love strategy” she declared.
In other words, try to choose a person who wants the same thing as you. If this is not the case, you may also need a little reassurance.
Slide: 10 signs your relationship will last