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Reading 2 min.
in collaboration with
Amélie Boukhobza (Clinical psychologist)
Some partners don’t say everything during a romantic encounter. And above all forget to mention that they accumulate conquests. Deliberately selfish behavior, the cause of intense emotional wounds, deciphered by Amélie Boukhobza, psychologist.
After ghosting, breadcrumbing, or lovebombing, toxic romantic relationships have a new arrival and a new term that you should be wary of: roaching, or “cockroach technique” in French.
What is the cockroach technique practiced by some?
What does this charmingly named technique consist of? In a well-established behavior which is (still) manipulation. Roaching consists of collecting conquests, but without telling your partner. A simple adultery as can happen in a relationship? Not really. Since this pattern is set up from the moment you meet: the person seduces you, begins a romantic relationship, while forgetting to warn you that he already has one or more parallel stories, which poses no problem for him of conscience. The notion of a cockroach then takes on its full meaning: when you discover one in your kitchen, there are undoubtedly dozens of others lurking in the shadows. The same goes for the lovers or mistresses of the person who practices roaching.
How is this relationship toxic?
Roaching is thus the opposite of free relationships or polyamorous who can multiply relationships, certainly, but on the basis of consent and communication within the couple (at least in theory).
“The principle of roaching is still based on lying! And probably on the excitement that not telling the truth about one’s multiple relationships can produce. Which is ultimately very different from polyamory. Hence the toxicity! ” describes for us Amélie Boukhobza, clinical psychologist. “So already in the context of polyamory, I have rarely met a couple where both partners are totally and truly consenting. So let’s not talk about roaching! It’s almost akin to perversion, enjoying manipulation .”
Trust is therefore non-existent and the discovery of this deception can be devastating to confidence and self-esteem, both in the present and in future relationships. Not to mention the risk of STI transmission that can accompany this selfish behavior. (And the added joy of having to get tested post-breakup!)
Good in his body, good in his head!
Several elements tell you that you are not the only one in your new love affair? Good advice: eliminate the pest! (well, run away).
“What should we do if we realize it? We turn on our heels and leave! And as a bonus, we block everything in such a way that we are not tempted to go and find out more. Otherwise, it “It’s guaranteed suffering! It’s still a betrayal that inevitably breaks trust.”
Because the followers of roaching thus demonstrate that they are not capable of taking into account the feelings of others, and only think of their sexual pleasure, which they experience as consumption. The discussion also turns out to be frustrating and useless: most get away with a pirouette like “If you wanted an exclusive relationship, you had to tell me.” Or “I thought we were just having a good time together without bothering each other.”. Another proof that questioning is clearly not up to date. In short, to flee before you really get… the blues.