Published on
Updated
Reading 4 min.
in collaboration with
Rodolphe Oppenheimer (psychotherapist and psychoanalyst)
A major step in a couple’s life, marriage is not a decision to be taken lightly. What questions should you ask your partner before getting involved with them? Doctissimo reveals the subjects that you should discuss with him to calmly approach this new stage of your life.
1) Why does your partner want to get married?
The first question that is best to ask your future husband/wife is the reason for this marriage. Ask your partner what motivates them to engage with you. Is it out of love? According to his religious and family beliefs? So that the children have the same name? By pressure from family or society? Or, for tax reasons? You don’t have to have the same reason as your other half to want to get married, but it is still essential that you both want it.
2) Does your partner want to have children?
Whether or not to have children is another very important decision in a couple’s life. It is therefore important to know the other’s opinion on their desires, the education they would like to give to a child, the vision they have of it. By approaching this type of discussion, you will be able to better plan for yourself. In all cases, the plan to have a child must be a joint decision. Neither partner should try to force the other to have it, at the risk of scaring them away. If you disagree on the subject, it is best not to get married because such differences could create frustration in your relationship.
3) Are your religious practices in agreement with each other?
Ask your partner if religion is a major part of their life. Dr. Oppenheimer states that while the difference in religion is not necessarily an obstacle at the start of a relationship, it can create tensions and disagreements during important milestones, notably marriage. Indeed, partners do not always have the same vision of it. It is therefore important to explain your practices and your religion to others as well as to listen attentively to theirs.
4) Is your partner sexually fulfilled with you?
Ask him/her how important sex is to him/her in your relationship and if he/she enjoys you. According to the psychologist Oppenheimer: “In most couples, if the sexual aspect is not there, this is not a basis for optimism. The importance of sex in the relationship is mostly a question of age. We notice that as we age, this decreases, particularly with the arrival of children.“. Fulfilling sexual activity with your partner allows you to be in a better mood and maintain a healthy relationship.
On this point too, you must agree. Common account ? Savings account ? Everyone has their own money? It is necessary to ask the question so as not to create a taboo and to facilitate discussion on this subject which can be sensitive. The joint account can represent a risk, particularly in the event of debts of one of the spouses. Also ask your future husband/wife if he/she has any debts. It is completely normal and justified for you to be aware of your partner’s debts and how he intends to repay them.
If your partner wants to try certain sexual practices that are out of the ordinary, he must confide in you before getting married. Indeed, to commit to someone for life it is preferable to share the same sexual desires and fantasies or to be able to adapt to those of the other. Expert Oppenheimer confides that everyone must take a step towards the other. By finding compromises and speaking freely about your desires, you will avoid generating frustration in your relationship. So if you are tempted by a threesome or joining a swingers club, now is the time to confide in your future husband/wife!
7) Do you have real things in common?
It is necessary to have real points in common with your partner for the couple to hold together. These can manifest themselves through sharing activities such as cooking, sports, cinema. Sharing moments together around a common passion is a good way to stay united and complicit.
8) Does he feel like you communicate well with each other?
According to Dr. Oppenheimer, the most important thing in a relationship is dialogue. As a general rule, men seem less engaged in dialogue than women. To communicate simply with your partner, it is important not to get angry and to always say things calmly and respectfully. There should be no taboos between you, and honesty should be at the heart of your exchanges. It’s time to free yourself from your secrets and start fresh before you get married.
9) Does he love your family?
You don’t choose your family and even less that of others. Asking your partner his opinion about your family is preferable because getting married also means adopting a new entourage. In the event that your partner does not have the same ideas as your family, as with everything, he will need to talk to you about it. By being informed, you can ensure that your relationship does not suffer. For his/her part, he/she must try to fit in, otherwise it poses a risk of failure for the couple, says Dr. Oppenheimer.
10) What are his long-term plans?
What do you want to accomplish together? The last question on this list is essential. Whether your plan is to buy a house, have five children, travel the world or do all three at the same time, you need to make sure that your goals align with those of your partner. In fact, your developments must be as appropriate as possible.
Slide: 8 questions to ask your partner (and yourself) for a lasting relationship