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We talk a lot about toxic relationships within couples, in general. In reality, this type of dysfunctional relationship is broken down into three types. What are they ? Here are the answers from Christian Richomme, psychoanalyst and therapist in Paris, specializing in anxiety disorders, depression, addictions and emotional disorders.
You probably know the term “toxic relationship”, when we talk about a relationship – a couple in particular – that is dysfunctional. The term “toxic”, ultimately quite generic, covers different types of unbalanced relationships. What are they ? The answers from Christian Richomme, psychoanalyst and therapist in Paris, specializing in anxiety disorders, depression, addictions and emotional disorders.
Definition of a toxic relationship
The toxic relationship is a “asymmetrical relationship between two people” defines Christian Richomme. “It is therefore not based on healthy foundations but on a dysfunctional and unbalanced couple dynamic.“. In this type of relationship, the person may love but does so in a way that is not healthy.
To identify a toxic person, there are unmistakable signs of behavior. For example, we find a person who:
- Is intolerant of frustration;
- Criticizes a lot but fails to question himself;
- Imposes one’s vision of things and communication with them is often a source of additional conflicts and mutual incomprehension;
- Has emotional control and engages in emotional blackmail or victimization;
- Is unpredictable, impulsive or unstable, which can cause great emotional insecurity;
- Uses manipulation to get what she wants;
- Has difficulty giving without receiving;
- Exaggerates and uses lies;
- Often plays the victim;
- Is egocentric;
- Is not empathetic;
The first type of toxic relationship: the narcissistic pervert
The profile of the narcissistic pervert affects 1% of the population, on average. It is characterized, in addition to the signs mentioned above, by “a powerful hold on one’s partner and a tendency to deny the needs of others in order to prioritize one’s own interests” according to Christian Richomme. To do this, he will proceed in three phases:
- A first so-called approach phase, with a meeting experienced like love at first sight. “He is perfect, educated, masters his topics of conversation and provides you with great listening and attention. He will also make sure to appeal to your empathy to better lure you. He will be able to put himself in the role of victim or fragile, solitary man.” describes the therapist. The objective being to put you under his control;
- The second phase is called fixation : it’s the end of the dream period, a nightmare begins. “It begins to impose its demands, to create your isolation (from your friends, from your loved ones). He is never clear about his intentions, he is confused, he lies. He devalues you despite the compliments and uses paradoxical injunctions to complete his control over you. Its goal will be to twist your brain, to confuse you by blowing hot and cold, to make you believe that you are at fault.” the specialist further specifies.
- Phase 3, finally, called possession : at that moment, the narcissistic pervert does everything to keep you. “Either he makes you believe that you are nothing without him, or that he is nothing without you. He believes that he is the only one who wants your happiness. He is full of himself and cannot stand criticism. It’s all your fault, he turns everything you say against you and he is very possessive of you, even developing unhealthy jealousy.” analyzes the expert again.
The second type of toxic relationship: the manipulator
In this type of toxic relationship, the manipulator wants you”control or influence your emotions, thoughts, behavior in a negative way, in order to get what he wants” explains Christian Richomme.
This can go through:
- Resort to emotional blackmail;
- Make the other person feel guilty;
- Threaten and intimidate;
- Playing on each other’s insecurities;
- Constantly denigrate, criticize and mock;
- Deny the existence of the other;
- Be ambivalent about your expectations;
- Seduce with excessive compliments;
- Use mental projection to manipulate;
- Use the gaslighting technique to drive the other person crazy.
The third type of toxic relationship: incompatibility
It is possible for a relationship between two healthy people to become toxic. “This is the case when the emotional profiles are too different or far from each other. finally defines the therapist. The most telling example being an endearing or anxious person with an avoidant person. The needs of the two members of the couple being different, this ultimately leads to suffering which makes the relationship dysfunctional.
Slide: Narcissistic pervert: 10 signs that should alert you