Scared to death of offending the other or of asserting oneself? For some, saying “no” is impossible. Tips from clinical psychologist Barbara Vionnet on how to say no nicely.
It is absolutely necessary to put the church back in the middle of the village. “The “no” is often demonized, stamped negative so it’s somethingand very natural. This is what allows the origin to differentiate itself from the other“, explains Barbara Vionnet, clinical psychologist, from the outset. “Moreover, if children start using it, from the age of two, it is because it is a spontaneous response, assured without any malice, simply to affirm a desire or need“she continues. “When I say “no”, it is to affirm MY desires and MY desires“. And yet, as simple and natural as it may seem when Barbara Vionnet explains it, it can be very complicated for some to say. “It may even be impossible“, describes the psychologist.
“Not knowing how to say NO is not knowing how to set your limits”
For what ? “What often comes up is the fear of rejection. How will the no be perceived by the other?” dissects the professional, who also sees a symptom of a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem. “It’s being afraid to assert yourself. Except that in reality, not knowing how to say no is not knowing how to position yourself, not knowing how to set limits“. In some situations, this can be very disabling. “Because of this inability to say “no”, some of my patients find themselves drawn into situations – social, romantic, often at work too – that are not suitable for them..”
“I’m not going to do anything wrong”
But then, in practice, how do we know how to say no? “There is unfortunately no quick fix“, continues the professional.
► If the fear is light, “Setting down and going back to the original meaning of “no” should be enough. Reassure yourself, relieve yourself of guilt, saying to myself: I’m not going to do anything wrong, I’m just going to say ‘no’ because I don’t want to…”
► relativize : “This will absolutely not be an aggression for the other, to say “no”, it’s not a bad thing.” Also keep in mind that you say no to a proposal and not to a person.
►If the fear is more invasive “consider getting help“, completes Barbara Vionnet, for whom this inability to say “no” has its origins in childhood. “Often, it is necessary to go back to the management of the “no” in early childhood to understand this fear. Was it heard and respected? Or flouted and punished?“. The answer, in adulthood.