During the pregnancy of their companion, some future dads do what is called a couvade. What it is, how it manifests itself, what to do when it happens… Nathalie Lancelin-Huin, a psychologist specializing in perinatality, helps us to see things more clearly.
When we talk about brood at men’san image often comes to mind: a man who sees his belly grow at the same time as that of the future mother, who gain weightand who also suffers from morning sickness. Nevertheless, the brood, it is much more than that. For future parents to better understand what is going on in the mind of the future dad, Nathalie Lancelin Huinpsychologist specialized in perinatal care and author of the book Pregnant, journey to the heart of emotions (editions Horay)sheds light on us.
What is a couvade?
During the pregnancy of their partner, some future dads make a couvade. That is, they have certain pregnancy symptomssimilar or similar to those of pregnant women.
Why do some men gain weight during their wife’s pregnancy?
“We have often emphasized the physical signs, such as the weight gain, which made us interpret that the man could feel pregnant, and therefore that he was gaining pounds just like his wife. Several explanations have been given for this, such as the fact that he could feel frustrated not to carry the child, or that it was his way of supporting his wife… HAS my opinion is not fair”explains Nathalie Lancelin-Huin. For the psychologist, these symptoms should not be equated with those of pregnancybut see them as unique to man. “There is a parenting process, for a father as for a mother, but there is not the same experience of pregnancy to achieve parenthood. A man lives the pregnancy by proxy, because he does not carry the childand a woman lives it carnally, in her body, because she carries life. This doesn’t mean that the father-to-be is going through less than her, just that they have a different experience. His companion cannot pose her belly does would it be five minutes, while he can choose to enter into this experience, or not”she explains. These symptoms that we see appear in a man who makes a broodso these are simply the expression of his sensitivity, the emotions he feels at the idea of becoming a dad. “For me, the broodhe is a man who is becoming a father”summarizes the specialist.
Contrary to what one might think, the symptoms of a brood do not always resemble those of pregnancy and, above all, are very different according to each man. Our psychologist gives a list not limited : “Weight gain is what we remember the most, but it can also be other things like greater emotions and sensitivity, depression, great anxiety, many questions, a man who turns to alcohol, work…“.
Why do some men do couvades?
“For several centuries, men were not invited to follow the pregnancy. The baby was presented to them after birth. They have only been entering the delivery room for a few decades. Today, after being interested in the health of women in childbirth, that of the newborn, and the feelings of pregnant women, we are interested in what the future dad may feel”, Nathalie analysis Lancelin Huin. The fact that men make couvadesand that we are aware of it, is a step in the right direction. However, all is not won yet since, if a future father makes a brood, it’s usually because he can’t arrive or because he can’t express his emotions. Even today, men are not always encouraged to talk about how they feel. However, pregnancy is a time of upheaval for both parents. And when we can’t express ourselves orally, it’s the body that does it for us. “The broodit’s very beautiful, because it shows us that our body is a sounding board for emotions that we don’t say. And when the tolerance threshold of what we can accumulate is exceeded, the body tells it”Explain the psychologist. If some men make couvadesso it’s a way their body has to show emotions. Also, it’s not necessarily about negative feelings. “It’s not necessarily that it’s going badly for him, that it’s difficult or that he can’t do it. It could also be because he’s overwhelmed with all that awaits him.” adds the specialist.
When a mother-to-be perceives that something is wrong, that her companion changes during pregnancy, or when he gains weight during these nine months, the most important thing is to talk about it. “You have to tell her that she realizes this, that she understands that things are not so easy for him, that he may be keeping a lot of things for himself”explains Natalie Lancelin Huin. Once the dialog is open“She can just ask him how he’s doing, how he’s dealing with this pregnancy, if there are things he’s worried about about the baby… If we open the door to dads calmly and without judgement, they confide!“, says the expert.
Should a man who is having a couvade consult a psychologist?
Go see a psychologist to discuss what the future dad feels maybe a good idea for a man who makes a brood. However, this is not the only thing to do, believes Nathalie Lancelin Huin. If he does not want to consult, he can try to find someone to talk to: a friend, a colleague, his father… The main one is to “find someone he can confide in”. By accompanying his partner during pregnancy follow-up appointmentit can also evoke the subject: “this It’s not often that gynecologists ask dads how they’re doing, but it’s happening more and more”. Midwives are also good interlocutors in this case, because “they are sensitive to the question of the father”. Finally, it is possible to talk about it with your general practitioner. After finding someone to confide in, it is important that the future dad discusses it with his partneradvise the psychologist. “She’s the one he shares his life with, she’s the person best placed, normally, to understand him, and she’s also the first to be affected by what happens to them, because it’s their baby for all of them. the two”. It is therefore necessary to be able to talk about it within the couple.. “This moment of trust and confidence will then allow them to feel closer”.