Is there really an ideal age difference between two children and, if so, which one? How to make children of close or different ages get along well? Elena Goutard, parental and family coach, answers us.
We hear a lot about the age gap between the children. According to some, you should not wait more than two years between a birth and a new child. For others, on the contrary, it is better to wait longer. How to disentangle the true from the false? And, above all, how to ensure that the children of the same family get along well, regardless of their age difference? Elela Gouard, parental and family coach and author of My Family Rituals large notebook (Solar Editions), gives us his advice.
What is the ideal age difference between two children?
There is an ideal age difference between two children: myth or reality? “There are true and false, and many opinions on the issue”, underlines Elena Goutard. Surveys and scientific studies have even looked into the subject. And the result is the same: “There is no ideal age gap”. However, this research allows us to know a little more. “What stands out is thatthere is a closeness, a somewhat reinforced complicity between the children who are less than two years apart. This can be explained by the fact that they grow up together, do a lot of activities together, take a bath and eat meals at the same time… There is, by force of circumstance, a certain bond that is created. There is also a larger age gap, which is 6 years, where we observe this. The explanation is based rather on the fact that the big one has already benefited enough from his parents, so he develops less jealousy and can have a somewhat mothering relationship with the little brother or little sister.
“For the gaps between 3 and 4 years, it really depends on the families.”There are children who are very close, it depends a lot on their character, the attitude of the parents, how they accompany them in jealousy, rivalry”, explains our expert. Clear, the perfect age gap is the one that is ideal for parents : “IThere are families who are very happy to have children of close ages because they can raise them together, combine the hardest times like diapers, waking up, teething, etc., in a fairly limited period of time. , which then allows them to move on. And then there are also the parents who prefer to have more of a gap to enjoy each child enough, to be able to rest, breathe a little, before welcoming another child. But there is no gap to favor.”
In addition, as the parent coach reminds us, nothing is final. Thereby, in adulthood, the complicity in the siblings will depend on many factors, such as the character, the way parents have built the relationship between their children… Rivalries, they often fade in adolescence. And, as an adult, “Complicity has nothing to do with the age gap. The relationship between brothers and sisters is specific to each sibling”.
Do you have to wait for a certain age for the eldest to get pregnant again?
It will be understood, therefore, there is no question of putting pressure on yourself by thinking of the so-called ideal age gap for decide when to have a second child. “It’s important to ask the right questions, to know why you want this child. You have to ask yourself if the mother is ready for another pregnancyif the family is ready, if you want it, if the family logistics allow you to have another child, if you are psychologically ready, if the couple is doing well… Many criteria must be taken into account and, at the final, the age gap will followrand if the parents are ready because it will be the ideal gap for them, for this family”explains Elena Goutard.
If my child asks for a little brother or a little sister, should I take it into account?
It sometimes happens that children ask their parents to have a little brother or a little sister. In other, rarer situations, it’s the opposite: they say they don’t want the family to grow. In any case, should parents take it into account? As the parenting and family coach points out, “the decision to consider a new pregnancy belongs solely to the parents, the children must be left out of all this“. “The child does not realize at all what to expect, does not know what it will represent for him, so he can either have a lot of anxiety or completely idealize this new child”, she points out. If the parents decide to have another baby because their child has asked for it when they are not ready, “it can be very complicated”.
To respond to a child who insists a lot on having a little brother or a little sister, you have to tell them things honestly, says Elena Goutard: “We explain very simply that a new baby changes your life, that it’s a decision that is being prepared, or that we don’t want another child, that we are very happy with him. Children don’t have the perspective necessary to be reasonable at this level, so we explain by choosing the words. We can tell him why we are not ready, whether we are considering it or not at all. Don’t be in a lie, kids the feel very good. Then we accompany and we welcome the emotion if he is sad, if he wants to cry, rather than looking for solutions because sometimes there are none”.
► If the parents do decide to have another child, the announcement of the pregnancy must be made by choosing the right words. “Of course, some children are going to be very, very happy, delighted. We still have to accompany them, because there is sometimes a little disillusionment, that is to say that they will immediately imagine that they will be able to play and interact with it, that the little brother or the little sister will be a friend game immedihasyouis lying. We explain that it will be a baby, so we can bring out the birth albums to see the different stages through which the eldest has passed and explain them to him”says our specialist.
► If the eldest does not want to become a big brother or big sister, Parents also have a key role to play:If the child shows no enthusiasm, it is important to give him time to accept, to integrate this news. This can be done during pregnancy or a few weeks or even months after birth. We don’t rush him, we don’t make him feel guilty. We try to listen to him, to ask him how he feels, what we can do to help and reassure him. The more we listen, the more he will verbalize what is on his mind and the faster he goes accept the new child.”
What are the advantages or disadvantages of having children too close in age?
Children of close ages can be very complicit or, conversely, bicker a lot. “It’s a bit of a reverse. They spend a lot of time together, they share a lot of toys, of which there is bound to be a sharing which can lead to jealousy, a daily rivalry that is not necessarily easy to live with pWherer the parents. They will, fortunately, diminish over time as they grow, as they learn to share and take into account the needs of people other than themselves.explains Elena Goutard.
What are the advantages or disadvantages of having children who are too far apart in age?
With children who have a significant age gap, there may also be conflictss, even if it is not inevitable. As our expert explains: “With older children, there not necessarily the same complicity, they don’t share not necessarily the same games, the bigger one will take care of the little one. So There are less rivalry for toys, there is an rdifferent contribution. On the other hand, the child who grew up alone during 5, 6, 7 years, he can develop certain traits of an only child, that is to say, he will have gotten used to everything being for him. It can be difficult for him to ‘give way’, to learn to share… These are different issues. Each deviation has its difficulties.
When there are conflicts between children close in age, “ohn will preserve toas long as we can the uniqueness of each child. So we will avoid falling into the pattern of doing everything together, buying the same clothes, the same toys, doing everything the samea bit like raising twins. It takes rlisten to the individuality of each child, to what each wants to do. We can condevoting exclusive quality time with each child by doing activities that everyone prefers so as not to always share everything”recommends the parenting coach.
Conversely, when the children have a large age difference, “we are going to involve and value the eldest in his role as a great, give him responsibilities, small tasks to make him feel proud. We are going to offer him to share passions, things that he masters well, with the youngest so that he feels happy and comfortable in his role as eldest.. In any case, in the event of a dispute, parents must avoid taking sides: “VSis a slippery slope. Parents goavoid leaning to one side or the other, rather listen to everyone’s feelings so that everyone can express their vision of the situation. They are also involved very early in the search for a win-win solution so that neither develops resentment towards the other”.
Finally, faced with rivalries, Elena Goutard advises parents to spend special moments with each child, each in turn : “vsIt is not the quantity that counts but the quality. Even 5 minutes from time to time, for example by preserving the bedtime ritual, during returns from school, by offering one-on-one outings, so that everyone feels unique in the eyes of parents and does not define themselves not just like a brother or a sister, but really like a whole person”.
Children don’t get along, what to do when you can’t get along?
Despite their best efforts, adults can feel helpless when their children don’t get along. Some accumulate the reading of specialized works, others will turn to advice gleaned from social networks, something that our expert does not necessarily recommend, “because it can bring keys like generating comparison and questioning so, when things are not going well, it is better to avoid”. She also points out that, on social media or in books, parents are often overwhelmed by the amount of different information they receive. In this case, consulting a specialist, whether a family therapist, a psychologist or a parenting coach can help, explains Elena Goutard: “As a parent, wehave when it is the moment when we have reached our limits and when the situation is blocked. You can consult if we perceive a certain suffering, that jealousy goes a little too far between the children. It can provide solutions. Each specialist has complementary methods, it may be interesting to consult several experts and ofexchange with them to find the one who has the approach that suits us best. We must not be alone and remember that there are tips that suit other parents that do not correspond to ushave not. We have to find someone to listen who will give us keys that correspond to usnt“.