Organizing Christmas when you are separated or divorced parents is not always easy. How to share custody of the children at Christmas? What attitude should be adopted to make it go well? In case of conflicts, what to do? Advice from a shrink and a specialized lawyer.
If the end-of-year holiday period is easy for some to organize, for families whose parents are separated or divorced it is often even more complicated, especially at Christmas. The point, which usually causes the most tension, is who will have the children on December 24 in the evening or on December 25 at noon. In the midst of all this, the children have not asked for anything, are spectators and suffer from the situation. So how do you best manage Christmas when you’re a separated parent? What should be paid attention to? And in case of disagreements, can we go to court? Answers with Maître Delagarde from JADDE Avocats and Vincent Joly, psychologist and psychotherapist for children and adolescents.
How to share the Christmas holidays?
In general, when it comes to the childcare during the Christmas holidaysif the parents are divorced with a divorce decree or a deed of lawyers, they must refer to the divorce judgment or agreement (for an amicable divorce). The problem, most of the time, is that the judgment is badly written or vague in terms of dates and timing. “Usually what is planned is the same rhythm as for the other holidays, it is a sharing by half for the parents. The difficulty is to determine what this precise point of half of the holidays is, with all the issue as for this year where half is the 24th with one parent and the 25th with the other. We will have parents who in good intelligence will manage to organize themselves and others not “, explains Me Delagarde. His advice for parents: anticipate things three weeks to a month in advance.
“The first point to be determined is the switch between December 24 and 25. It is better to give up a vacation day, even if it means recovering it later. The second point is to bear in mind that concessions are useful in the interest of the child.”
Separated and not divorced parents, how to share the children at Christmas?
If the divorce has not yet been pronounced and the parents are separated, II you have to try mediation, always anticipating as much as possible and possibly going through lawyers. “As lawyers we will have this mediator cap. Perhaps there is a reason for urgently seizing a magistrate who will indirectly decide on the vacancies. For example, if one of the two parents is depressed and the interest of the child arises, this may be a reason for urgency. In the event of disagreements, it is also necessary to know that all the actions of the parents will have consequences if there is referral to a judge. It is in their interest to make conciliations, if not to take the support of lawyers”, details the lawyer. Once common ground is found, lawyers can officially record it, “either by an exchange of message or by an agreement that we formalize as a lawyer”. Hence the importance of anticipating! Namely that this agreement does not have the same force as a judgement, the parent may very well not respect it, but this may serve him against the judge.
“If there is no judgment, you have to keep in mind that each parent has the same rights over the children. Even if it’s horrible, it’s a bit like the law of the strongest.”
In case of separation, what attitude to adopt for Christmas?
When parents separate, they often worry about the children, but in the majority of cases, those who suffer from separations are the parents, “which is quite logical because they are the ones who are divorcing and not the children”, tells us the psychologist Vincent Joly. It is therefore important to take this parameter into account, and that parents also take care of themselves and do not put pressure on themselves during the holiday season. The attitude to adopt for them and for the children is “ofaim for a good enough first Christmas. The British pediatrician and psychoanalyst Winnicott spoke of the good enough mother, in the sense of the just good enough mother. Taking this idea, I think it can be good to think that Christmas after a separation or a divorce will go well enough or not too badly. The idea is not to tell yourself that it will be a Christmas like before, because it is not the case. There can be sadness or nostalgia, it is legitimate and it should be accepted according to the expert. Especially for children, so as not to lie to them and pretend that everything is fine. In general, they can easily decode the signs and emotions of their parents. “From a psych point of view it’s the question of negative capacity, the capacity to bear that things are not always very good.”
The importance of talking to children
In this type of situation, having a discussion with the children is necessary. Whether it is to inform them of the organization that has been found for the end-of-year celebrations, or to talk to them about the family situation when the parent feels sufficiently clear about it. “When you’re completely mad at the ex-husband or ex-wife, it’s hard to have a discussion, but when you feel like you’ve come to terms with the situation, it’s beneficial to talk about it. speak for the parents but also for the children. This forces the adults in particular to put simple words on what is happening. Knowing that it can also be interesting for the children to be able to discuss it with other members of the family. , or with people who would also have separated”so that they have a reading of what will happen at Christmas without mom or dad.
This can also be beneficial when the child is experiencing this period poorly. “Above all, you really have to put their experience into perspective. For most children today, parental divorce is something normal. Today the rate of children of divorced parents is very high”, in France about 4 million minors have separated parents according to INSEE figures published in March 2021.
“What children experience the worst, often, it is the conflict between their parents, which takes time to be resolved, in particular when the judgments of divorce take time to be pronounced”
Can a parent go abroad with their children for Christmas?
Whether there is a judgment or not, a parent has the right to save time from going on vacation anywhere with their children, including abroad for Christmas. On the other hand, “if there is a risk of engagementthat is to say that the parent goes abroad but tricks to settle permanently with the children, there is then the possibility in an emergency for the other parent to go to the prefecture and prove the risk of abduction“argues Maître Delagarde. The parent who takes this step will have to show particular ties of his ex-boyfriend or girlfriend with the country in question, or disturbing, threatening messages even if they are old messages. Other solution : “the parent can request a measure of opposition to leaving the territory. It is valid for 15 days, renewable once. For the Christmas holidays it is appropriate.”
Can a parent keep the gifts he gave to his children?
Legally he has the right! Especially if they are bulky gifts that are difficult to transport. They thus belong to the domicile of the parent. “But if it’s a simple cuddly toy, we’re no longer talking about law stricto sensu, we’re talking about the interests of the child”, says the lawyer. In any case, it is difficult to take legal action on this ground.
If a parent does not pay child support but gives gifts to their children, what should be done?
If a parent doesn’t pay child support but gives their children gifts for Christmas, the other parent can take legal action. “The alimony when it is decided is an amount that must be paid each month, including the months when the other parent does not have the children. Alimony is payable 12 months out of 12. It cannot be replaced by gifts. If there has been a court decision, the parent can bring a classic legal action for non-payment of child support. underlines Master Delagarde. In criminal cases, it will be a family abandonment and in civil matters the parent will have the possibility of seizing a bailiff to seize the sum of money or, recently, of seizing the CAF (Caisse d’Allocations Familiales).
Thank you to Me Delagarde, JADDE Avocats firm, and Vincent Joly, psychologist and psychotherapist for children and adolescents for answering our questions.