Jurassic World 3 is the biggest dino disaster of the last 65 million years

Should an archaeologist alien come across a Jurassic World 3: A New Age Blu-ray in 2000 years, the first question they will ask themselves is: What have dinosaurs done to humans?

65 million years after they were innocently killed by an asteroid, humans recreated them – for the insultingly bad Jurassic World 3. The low point of what was once a seminal blockbuster series is now in cinemas. It doesn’t matter whether you are aliens from the future or dinosaur fans of the present: The poor killer lizards deserve your pity.

Jurassic World 3 with Chris Pratt has no soul whatsoever

In just a few moments, Jurassic World 3: A New Age shows a touch of character – a sadistic characterwhom we already know from the controversial pterosaur-attack-watchdog-moment in Jurassic World.

An example is this scene in Jurassic World 3: A dead serious Chris Pratt questions a henchman of the evil corporation BioSyn. Sounds ordinary, but it isn’t. The guy is lying on the dirty concrete floor of a black market in Malta, in a Jesus pose. Still sounds ordinary, but: His two arms are being eaten by dinosaurs. He’s laying around being eaten alive and Chris Pratt is talking to him like they’re sitting in a coffee shop with an Iced Caramel Macciato on their lips.

It’s incredible, and it’s in a family-friendly blockbuster!

Since the rest of the film has as much soul as a supermarket freezer full of junk meat, take what you can get.

Nobody cares about the plot of the dinosaur blockbuster anyway

Chris Pratt’s Owen finds himself in this dino black market in Malta in search of kidnapped clone girl Maisie from Jurassic World 2: Fallen Kingdom and his raptor BFF Blue’s baby. This is ultimately just an excuse to unite the new generation of “World” with the old one from “Park” at BioSyn headquarters.

Check out the Jurassic World 3 prologue:

Then the actual Jurassic movie begins, with a bunch of people we know won’t die (because this movie has no guts) struggling to survive. Before that, A New Age breeds numerous story elements that nobody cares about except for writers Colin Trevorrow and Emily Carmichael:

Maisie actress Isabella Sermon can’t help it. That Screenplay of Jurassic World 3 is a stillborn of modern blockbuster cinema. It puffs up the story unnecessarily in the mistaken belief that the Jurassic films should work like Star Wars or Marvel. As if they had to tell a continuous story across three films to justify the existence of the endless sequels. The DNA of the series is simple monster entertainment that throws intimidating critters new fodder in every film. The latest part manipulates the DNA so bluntly that the result is not viable.

Low point of the Jurassic series: At some point even the dinosaurs are annoying

This genuine zombie blockbuster might still be bearable if the dinosaur action were convincing. The death sentence for Jurassic World 3: A New Age read out the dinosaurs of all things.

There are many dinosaurs in this film, perhaps more than in any other in the series. At least the staging gives the impression. New raptors, venom-spewing dilophosaurs, compys, pterosaurs: they spill out from every nook and cranny of the images. The horribly frayed cut and tension-free construction of the Dino Attacks prevent them from making a big impression.

All the work that went into the lovingly crafted animatronic dinosaurs is worthless when they’re thrown onto the screen in Jurassic World 3 hoping a carcass will stick.

More stars, more dinos, more locations, more story: Jurassic World 3 dispenses with dino hybrids, but works like one itself. Everything that has been successful anywhere is squeezed into a film.

In the grand finale, the blockbuster series eclipses even the hybrid Indominus rex from Jurassic World 1 with its ugliness. Afterwards you just get sick of Owen and Maisie and even the dinosaurs. The sublime primeval beings don’t deserve that.

*. . .