Published on
Updated
Reading 3 min.
Do you have a hard time accepting a decision made by your partner when it does not correspond to “your” desires? What if the selfish person in your relationship isn’t who you think it is, but rather you? Here are 8 signs that can open your eyes.
“How selfish you can be!”, the complaint, in a couple can arise quickly when it comes to a choice, a project, the next weekend… And what is proposed does not exactly suit you. But against all odds, you may be the selfish person in this conflict. In HuffPost, psychologists and therapists have identified 8 signs that show that you are a little too focused on yourself.
1. You expect your partner to listen to you (but you don’t necessarily do so in return)
Being intimate with a person consists of having good times, of course, but also being able to talk about your problems and find a caring listener. It is therefore normal that you expect your partner to listen on a daily basis. “But if you immediately get bored when your partner starts telling you about their bad day, it’s like you’re slamming an emotional door in their face.” recalls Amy Begel, marriage and family therapist.
2. You opt for silence instead of approaching conversations in a mature manner
Know this, when you are hurt or angry with your partner, not opening up, not talking about it or communicating about it is also self-centered behavior. “Difficult conversations often arise in a romantic relationship. You cause your partner a lot of distress when you refuse to talk.” evokes Marni Feuerman, marriage and family therapist
3. You insist that your point of view is the right one
Are you always right? And still want to win your case? This is a signal of a high degree of selfishness. “If you find yourself always giving weight only to your own point of view, you are setting your relationship up for failure.” confirms Gary Brown, marriage and family therapist. “What you’re really telling your partner is that you’re really only in this relationship to respond to your own needswith little or no consideration for your partner’s needs.
4. You regularly accuse your partner of being selfish
The simple act of accusing others of selfishness is often a sign that we are selfish ourselves. “We can hardly tolerate qualities in others that we do not like in ourselves. Often what we mean when we accuse our partners of being selfish is that they don’t respond to our selfish preferences.” explains Steven Stosny, a psychologist to the media.
5. You get upset when your partner makes plans without you
Of course, a couple requires shared projects, but there is no reason to do everything together. It’s even healthy to have your own interests and to be able to balance your time as a couple or for yourself. Blaming your partner whenever they do something outside of you is very selfish behavior. recognizes the psychologist.
6. You are too critical of your partner’s loved ones
Be careful if you are particularly critical of your partner’s family or friends. You have the right not to hook up with a person, but constantly belittling or despising your partner’s loved ones creates an imbalance in the relationship. “As if you become the referee, who chooses who is suitable to enter your circle or not”, continues Amy Begel. Which has no reason to be.
7. You are oblivious to your partner’s needs.
In a healthy relationship, we are supposed to be aware of what pleases our partner and, at least some of the time, try to accommodate their desires. It is of course always a question of balance: we do not live to please our partner, but we are not indifferent to our partner’s needs, wants, and desires. When we don’t really know how the other person is doing, what motivates them or, on the contrary, upsets them… There is clearly a lack of listening on our side.
8. When you don’t get what you want, you threaten to end the relationship
Even if they don’t think it, selfish people will tend to threaten their partner with ending the relationship when they don’t get what they want. However, as the therapist reminds us: “Even in the best relationships, none of us will always get what we need. If you spend your time threatening to leave your partner, how will he ever believe that it won’t always be about you and your needs?
Someone who sincerely loves their partner will be mature enough to know that it is extremely hurtful to threaten to abandon someone we love just because we aren’t getting what we want. If the threat seems familiar, it may still be time to make a change!
Slide: 8 questions to ask your partner (and yourself) for a lasting relationship