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Do you feel like the grass is always greener on the other side? That those around you are constantly better than you? Here are some tips to stop living in frustration and no longer compare yourself to others.
Anxiety, jealousy, anger, regrets… Even if we try to keep them away, difficult emotions are very present in our lives.
This is why Mollie West Duffy and Liz Fosslien, two American coaches specializing in emotional management, shared in their book “Overcoming the 7 emotions that ruin our lives”, the difficult feelings that they also face. The authors then highlight their own testimony as well as those of their readers to help as many people as possible overcome these emotional difficulties.
Among these negative emotions we find self-depreciation, or in other words comparing oneself to others. If you feel like you are never good enough compared to those around you and that their successes are always more impressive, more beautiful and more deserved than yours, this article is for you. Here are seven tips for learning to recognize this feeling, understand it and overcome it.
1) Understand why we compare ourselves
The first step is to understand the reasons why you feel frustrated and jealous. Be alert, identify and listen to the main triggers of your desires. Indeed, comparing yourself to others can be a good way to identify what really matters to you. According to researchers, we tend to feel more admiration for a person who has accomplished something that we would have wanted for ourselves, even if we don’t yet realize it.
In the book, we find the example of a young woman who sees her friend become a lawyer. This announcement generates great frustration for her. When she analyzes this feeling in more detail, she realizes that she has actually always wanted to do this job. She envies this friend who dared to take the plunge. In this case, understanding why she compares herself helps her identify her deep desires and pushes her to dare to change in turn.
Our advices : as soon as you feel jealousy, question yourself about its meaning. Is it admiration? A desire to imitate others and have the same life? This feeling may be a sign that you are not where you belong right now and something better awaits you elsewhere!
2) Make sure that envy has not turned into bitterness
Although it can be a source of motivation and admiration, envy can also be the cause of unhappiness and develop toxic or even nasty behavior in you.
It is often when the things we want are rare or difficult to obtain that malevolence arises. However, seeing that someone has succeeded in accomplishing something shows us that we can do it too.
Our advices (to transform a malicious desire into a healthy desire):
- Ask the person you admire to lend their expertise and help you. See it as a model, an opportunity to draw inspiration from it, and not as an adversary.
- Tell yourself that you haven’t accomplished what you want…yet.
- Experience the gratitude for how far you have already come, be proud of yourself.
3. Take into account the hidden side of the other
We often tend to think that other people’s lives are more beautiful than ours. If you feel this way, it’s actually normal since everyone prefers to talk about their successes than their failures. The victories are also much more visible in general, which sometimes gives the impression that everything succeeds for others… except for us!
However, we must be aware that everyone experiences failure… and much more often than we think. This is what we call the dark side of a person’s life.
According to a survey, 82% of those questioned admitted to embellishing their lives either by not talking about uninteresting moments or by giving the impression that they do more things than in real life.
Our advices : The next time you feel jealous of someone, take a step back and ask yourself the following questions.
- What if this person I admire is actually also experiencing difficulties?
- What are the things that make me proud that I don’t show on social media?
- What might people be envious of if I shared it?
4. Don’t compare yourself when you’re in a bad mood
When we’re having a bad day, we’re much more likely to feel frustrated or envious of others. Indeed, if your inner voice is already moping about certain things, you will have difficulty interpreting the new information in a positive way.
Our advices : In these moments, try to avoid anything that might trigger your frustration. So stay away from social networks, people or situations that could worsen your feelings of jealousy. For example, by setting a time limit on social media each day. It’s a great way to detach yourself from other people’s success and focus on your own!
Researchers at the University of Houston found that going on social media when we’re feeling down tends to give us a distorted view of our friends’ lives, making us feel even more alone with our inner demons.
5. Do not compare yourself to too small a group
Just as you should not compare yourself to others in a bad light, it is also not worth doing it with too small a group. For example, you see one of your friends reach an important milestone in their life. You then feel immense frustration: are you behind in your life? Indeed, with your friend announcing his future marriage, you have just realized that you are still not…
And yet, if you compare yourself more broadly, to five, ten or fifteen people around you, you will quickly realize that you are far from being the only one! Moreover, by talking to certain people at the same stage as you, you may even see that they are very satisfied with their situation, and that they find advantages in it.
Our advices : when you covet something, instead of wondering why you don’t have it, ask yourself if you have what is enough for you. This simple question will help you put things into perspective. It’s true, in reality you are very fulfilled and accomplished, even without having the ring on your finger!
6. Involve all the details when comparing yourself
It’s easy to dream of earning 10,000 euros per month by working a few hours from your comfortable little office without suffering the stress and responsibilities that often come with it. However, if you want to compare two situations with each other, it is essential to take these elements into account.
Before being jealous of your business manager friend who drives a Porsche, take into account his life as a whole. This friend spends little time with his children and never goes out with his friends. Besides, when you think about it, it was during the period when you were experiencing your best memories that he devoted himself fully to his project, without being able to enjoy life. In reality, it’s all a question of choice!
Our advices : If you want to compare yourself in a relevant way, here are the questions you can ask yourself:
- What would a day in this person’s shoes be like?
- What specific things do I envy in his life?
- What are the specific things I don’t envy at all in his life?
- What is this person’s background?
- Is my comparison based on my ideal life or on the expectations of others and society of me?
- Am I willing to give up the positive aspects of my current life to have the same thing?
Maybe you’ll realize that it’s more the prestige or social validation that makes you want it so much, when it’s all about doing things for yourself.
Good in his body, good in his head!
7. Become aware of your evolution
You may not have achieved your goals yet, but if you work at them, it’s unlikely you’ll be where you were when you started. It’s extremely important not to get down on yourself because you’re not finished yet, but rather to notice the progress you’ve made.
Our advices : take the time to take stock of your progress, what new you have learned recently. Also ask yourself what was more difficult and what you would do differently in hindsight.
Another important point, just because you’ve moved, changed jobs or ended a relationship doesn’t mean you’ve taken a step backwards. The path you have traveled has necessarily brought you experience. You are therefore not starting from scratch but on new bases and with additional experience.
Comparing yourself to others is inevitable, but by applying certain tips, you will be able to see your differences in a positive way, and realize that it is you who chooses whether other people’s lives are better than yours or not.