7 phrases to never say to your child when you divorce

in collaboration with

Johanna Rozenblum (clinical psychologist)

Remember, when you divorce, the separation takes place between two adults, the children are not affected. “The objective is in fact not to involve the children in the situation, by putting them at odds, in particular” confirms psychologist Johanna Rozenblum. “It’s a story that ends between two adults and should not concern children in any way, other than informing them and reassuring them, providing them with primary care so that they feel protected, because let’s remember : children are neither a weapon, nor a shield, nor an issue, in divorce“. The following sentences should therefore be avoided, absolutely.

“Your father (or mother) abandoned us!”

“By using this type of sentence, the parent denigrates the other and wants the child to think that he is not loved enough by him and that he has abandoned him.” explains the psychologist. “We can easily imagine the psychological damage that this kind of idea can do to the brain of a child who is in the process of being built and who is supposed to develop under the watchful eye and unconditional love of his parents..

“Divorce is your fault!”

Saying this kind of sentence to your child is “almost abuse” for Johanna Rozenblum. This can only accentuate the feeling of guilt, sometimes already present in a child whose parents separate. “We must remember that a child is absolutely not responsible for his parents’ marital situation, he did not even ask to be born, making him bear this responsibility is unthinkable.” she recalls.

“Don’t worry, you’ll come back in 2 days, it will go away quickly!”

“Telling a child don’t worry is the best way to worry them, because the child can understand the opposite of what you say, implicitly.“warns the expert.”It is better to say “see you in two days” or “I’ll come pick you up in two days” to reassure him and show him that the schedule is respected, the parents are in charge and that the child has nothing to do. to fear”.

“Your mother (or father) is incapable”

Denigrating the other parent can do no good. This implies that he is a potential danger, that he has nothing to bring to the child in his role as parent. “These are sentences which have very serious consequences in the growth and intellectual and psychological development of a child. assures the psychologist. Take the time to turn your tongue in your mouth seven times before speaking, therefore.

“Daddy’s new girlfriend is nothing to you!”

This is a big mistake according to our expert. “Parents, when they are divorced, have the right to rebuild their lives, respecting the temporality of the child, that is to say that the child is ready to hear that his parent can fall in love again, then that “he can meet the new spouse later”.

The other important point is to explain to the child that this new person in no way replaces their mom or dad. “To say that this person is nothing to the child is to force them to close themselves off from a new balance of life.” says the psychologist.

“Is your mother pregnant? The baby will be her favorite and she will forget you!”

This sentence is destructive for a child. “This makes him think that he will be unloved and abandoned when that has nothing to do with him. Parental love is unconditional, parents must remind their child of this.” advises the psychologist.

“Don’t leave me, I’ll die without you!”

“We go beyond the framework of the parental role and we border on abuse“the psychologist still believes.”A child must not be blackmailed into death or suicide by his parent, the child is not the object or the comforter of the parent, the latter’s job is to help him grow up to be to emancipate yourself and live your life and not believe that by moving away from your parents – by growing up – you will cause them to die.”

Slide: Divorce: books to explain separation to children