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The way we talk to our children plays a role in their development. But certain turns of phrase, which seem normal and benevolent to us, do not always have the desired effect. They could even undermine their self-confidence. A psychologist has listed 7 phrases to avoid in our interactions.
Giving your child confidence is an everyday job. But if certain sentences have the power to boost this and promote their learning, others, on the other hand, can make it doubtful and/or would not press the right levers. For Amy Morin, an American psychotherapist, our vocabulary must teach our children to be mentally strong and therefore to get back up after a failure. However, our interventions do not always send the right message. According to her, there are 7 common phrases that we should avoid.
“Stay calm !”
According to the psychologist, this injunction is problematic because it tells the child what he should feel. However, it is not the emotion that poses the problem: “It’s important to tell a child that it’s okay to feel any emotion. But he has to be careful what he does with that emotion.” Ordering him to calm down doesn’t teach him anything. On the contrary, it is better to invite him to find a solution, since he is upset, by drawing, or by going to get some fresh air for example.
“Don’t worry”
Here again, we cannot force a child to silence his anxiety, especially since this sentence does not work instantly. Instead, take the opportunity to get him to think about what scares him and how he might be reassured. According to Amy Morin, we must help the child to take a step back, for example with the sentence: “If your friend were worried in your place, what would you say to him?” The child will then be able to list different solutions and apply them himself.
“Everything will be alright”
You can’t be blamed for adopting an optimistic attitude to help your child gain self-confidence. “Unfortunately, you don’t have a “crystal ball”, explains Amy Morin. “And you can’t predict when your child will succeed or when he or she will experience disappointment.”. In order to avoid disappointment (and a lack of credibility on the part of the parent), the psychologist invites you to encourage your child to do their best, and if things don’t go well, you will find a solution together.
“Don’t let me catch you doing that again.”
The phrase is often thrown out out of frustration and a genuine desire to help children avoid bad habits or dangers. But for the psychologist, this could generate a completely different behavior: “If you only warn them of the consequences of being caught, they will just learn to hide bad behavior from you better.” To keep children honest about their mistakes, Amy Morin suggests saying: “VYou’re going to do this again, and you’re going to be tempted to hide it and cover it up. Here’s what we could do instead.”
“You drive Me crazy”
The idea that your feelings can be affected by someone else’s behavior is counterproductive. “This can lead children to think that they are not responsible for their actions. It can even lead to manipulative behavior.” warns the psychologist. To prevent children from growing up blaming others for making them crazy, for ruining their day, try using expressions such as “I don’t like your behavior right now.” Or “I don’t like the way you’re acting, here’s what we could do instead”, she advises.
“You are the best !”
Congratulating your child for a successful task is essential. “But if your children think they only deserve praise if they outperform everyone else, they will suffer from unrealistic expectations and anxiety about finishing anywhere but first, even if it means cheating.…Instead, praise your child for their process, their efforts rather than the result.
“It’s perfect !”
Likewise, the risk with this exclamation is that your child will start to think that he must always be perfect to deserve praise or love from his parents. “It may seem perfectly harmless to tell your child that their painting is perfect or that they played perfectly in a soccer game, but these comments can be the start of a pattern that leads children to obsess over every mistake.” explains psychology. Here again, it is better to praise the efforts made than the end result.
Slide: 10 tips to give your child confidence