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Romane Carduner (Clinical psychologist, child specialist)
As a parent, we generally care about the education we want to pass on to our children. But how can you set limits without resorting to blackmail or violence? Here are the answers from Romane Carduner, clinical psychologist, childhood specialist.
Raising a child is a mission that requires both patience and teaching. How can you manage to set limits for a child, without resorting to blackmail or violence? Let’s take stock with Romane Carduner, clinical psychologist, childhood specialist.
Understanding child development
The first thing to do to understand how to set limits for a child is to learn about their development and what they are capable of doing. This involves a study of what a child can do at different ages of life, but also through careful observation of their abilities. “This means that we must also take into account the needs of the child at the moment. adds Romane Carduner. “If you go to the supermarket at lunchtime, there is a good chance that the child will be hungry and things will go badly.”
Make a list of your non-negotiable rules
Do not hit others, do not ride a bike without a helmet or do not damage your belongings, for example: it is essential to clearly set the limits that your child must not exceed. “It is important to talk to the child about them in advance, or even display them. For example, put a picture in the bathroom, to show where the laundry goes, in the basket. You also need to be consistent in his words: if I tell my child that he won’t have cake after 5:30 p.m., I won’t eat it either” explains the specialist.
Try to understand your child
A child never does something “wrong” on purpose. Remember that he is in the process of constructing himself, he often needs to experiment with things. “A child who writes on the walls expresses his desire to draw. Rather than punishing him, we must explain to him that we do not draw on the walls and provide him with alternatives, so that he can express himself.” our expert further indicates. “The idea is to understand, beyond the behavior, what the child wanted to do and reinforce the positive behavior rather than using punishment.
Say no clearly and definitively
Again, clarity of rules is essential for a child. “We must clearly state what a child cannot do: cross the road alone, for example. But the goal is also for the instructions to make sense. If other, less immutable rules need to be changed, you must also know how to be flexible and make them evolve, particularly depending on the age of the child.” estimates the psychologist.
Say yes as often as possible
Finally, it is important to say “Yes” to your child as often as possible. “This helps reinforce appropriate behaviors, reassure him and make him feel that he is capable” explains Romane Carduner.
Be a role model for your child
Finally, remember that a child acts by imitating the behavior of his parent. “Children learn by observing. It is therefore essential to know how to regulate your emotions, while remaining consistent with the rules that are dictated.”. And to conclude: “Each way of doing things is unique, depending on the child and what the parents tolerate or not. We just have to do the best we can.“.
Slide: Children: how to react to attitudes that destabilize us?