Published on
Updated
Reading 3 min.
in collaboration with
Amélie Boukhobza (Clinical psychologist)
The end of a story is never simple. But certain behaviors have the disadvantage of delaying your healing and the necessary grieving of the relationship. Here are 5 attitudes to avoid as well as advice from our psychologist to take care of yourself.
Anyone who has been through it knows: a romantic breakup can be painful and uncomfortable, even when it was inevitable. Getting back up often comes down to making choices for yourself and meeting your own needs. Unfortunately, in this moment of mourning, we sometimes tend to engage in behaviors that, on the contrary, prolong our pain. The specialist magazine Psychology Today lists in its latest issue 5 harmful habits to lose, if you are in this situation.
Reach out to your ex
After the decision to break up, it is common to still want to stay close or even to want to help the person who shared your life, whether for logistical problems (moving, etc.), in their management of the rupture, to provide it with the answers necessary for its reconstruction, etc. But this closeness, tinged with tenderness, anger and sometimes guilt, often only serves to distract you from your pain. To move on, it seems important to cut contact completely (at least for a while) to sort things out.
Finding information about your ex
With networks, it is also very common and easy to search for information on what your ex is currently doing. His or her outings, the people he or she meets, how he or she seems to feel… But all this time focused on your ex is time that “blocks” you in your own progress, while hurting you. So turn off the contact.
Having sex with your ex (or even others)
In a breakup, when emotions are strong and complicated, it happens that confused ex-partners reconnect sexually. An attitude often driven by the desire to maintain “power”, which will only complicate the letting go necessary for your recovery. If you are still addicted to your ex, having relations with a new partner is also not recommended: the act can be experienced as a psychological reminder of your breakup and do you more harm than good.
Succumbing to impulsivity
Are you suffering? This is not a good excuse for acting without thinking. Let it be said: the SMS sent out of anger, the compulsive purchase to calm your nerves, or even the alcoholic evening to forget, have never helped you get better and move forward. If ideas of this type come to you, try to delay your reaction and wait until you have thought about the consequences for you before acting.
Ruminating on useless thoughts
After the crisis, the breakup is also often the moment where false ideas are put in place: “He or she was the ideal person for me”, “I will never find happiness again”, “No one will want me”... False beliefs that have no basis but that you cling to. And that needs to be replaced with empowering, self-improving beliefs about yourself and your future.
“Cutting the link allows you to get out of the confusion” according to Amélie Boukhobza, psychologist
According to Amélie Boukhobza, clinical psychologist and member of our committee of experts, these 5 faults that we all experience one day or another are indeed to be avoided, but they are not the only ones.
“We can also add behaviors that relate to these examples such as not trying to make your ex jealous, not isolating yourself, not idealizing the past relationship, not neglecting your own well-being and not constantly feeling guilty about the failure of the relationship.
Here are the behaviors to avoid if you want to get out of this bad moment quickly. But what should we put in place then, to see things more clearly and move forward? For our psychologist, taking care of yourself and giving yourself time is imperative.
“Healing from a breakup can be long, painful and complex. My advice would then be to accept your emotions (because sadness, anger, confusion are normal) and distance yourself from your ex, while avoiding to shut yourself away. See your friends, find activities to keep yourself busy and avoid ruminating, and above all give yourself some time. Cutting the bond is not an absolute obligation, but it still makes the work of mourning easier, it avoids falling into toxic back-and-forth dynamics, and it allows you to get out of the confusion”
Slide: 20 Quotes to Get Over a Breakup