A romantic relationship is toxic when it brings more harm and anxiety than positive. However, it can be difficult to realize. Manipulation, blackmail… List of signs to identify and advice on how to get out of this relationship.
Pernicious and difficult to detect, a toxic relationship is an asymmetrical relationship between two people. In love, she inevitably has deleterious consequences on self-confidence, on the fulfillment and often eventually becomes unhealthy or even destructive. Manipulation, guilt, lack of consideration, victimization…are all observable processes or behaviors in toxic relationships. What are the telltale signs of a toxic relationship? How to get out (quickly and without sequelae)?
What is a toxic relationship?
A relationship is/becomes toxic when it brings more harm than good. “It is a relationship that does not rest on sound foundationsbut on dysfunctional, unbalanced and asymmetrical couple dynamics which is detrimental to personal fulfillment as well as within the couple. And this is not a new concept: since humans have social relationships, toxic relationships have existed.“, makes a point of specifying Dana Castro, psychologist. It should be underlined thata toxic person is able to love, but often, she loves in a bad way. “Everyone has their story: a person who acts in a toxic way can, for example, reproduce patterns they have known. You should know that it exists, but that it’s not a fatality and that’we can get out.”
5 signs that can reveal a toxic relationship
1. The partner imposes his vision of things and communication with him is difficult. Examples: he does not let you speak, does not take into consideration your opinion, your feelings, your needs…
2. The partner has an emotional hold on the other. Example: he uses emotional blackmail, victimizes himself, makes you feel guilty…
3. The partner criticizes a lot but fails to question himself. Example: everything is always the fault of others…
4. The partner is unpredictable or unstable, which can lead to great emotional insecurity. Example: he alternates phases of seduction, kindness and tenderness with periods of distance and incessant reproaches.
5. In a toxic relationship, dialogues never lead to improvements, but on the contrary, they are often sources of additional conflicts. and mutual misunderstanding.
“Both men and women can be toxic or fall victim to it. Be careful, there is not necessarily a dominant and a dominated: two people can be mutually toxic for each other, with harmful behaviors that each express themselves in their own way“, wishes to clarify our expert.
What are the consequences of a toxic relationship?
A toxic relationship is harmful and can have consequences that are difficult to reverse without treatment, such as:
- the appearance of tensions, anxiety, anxieties
- decline in self-confidence
- the perpetual doubt of not being up to it
- the impression of not being loved for who you are, the feeling of never being able to be yourself
- the impression of not being free within the couple
- mental exhaustion
All of this can lead to depression and a strong withdrawal into oneself.
“But why didn’t I see it before?”
► Initiate the dialogue. Toxicity can sometimes come from a lack of communication. It is therefore advisable first of all to open up to the other by exposing him to his feelings, his frustrations, his expectations and his needs. If, after several unsuccessful attempts, dialogue is impossible or the relationship does not evolve for the better, it will be necessary get rid of it and consider breaking up.
► Become aware of the problem and ask yourself the right questions: does the relationship make me happy? Does he love me for who I am? Am I able to be myself in his company? Does he want my happiness? Does he put his interests before mine? Questioning yourself allows you to know if the problem comes from you, from the other or perhaps from both…
► Do not add self-flagellation by saying “But why didn’t I see it before?” or “Why did I get involved in this story?” A toxic relationship is very hard to detect because usually it rarely starts with horrors. At first, the couple’s difficulties are discreet, it is only over time that they develop and become noticed. “Moreover, the pernicious and unhealthy side of a relationship is difficult to see, especially sinceat the beginning of a relationship, we tend to be more tolerant, a little blind, on our little cloud and to forgive many things. Also and above all, romantic feelings can mask the signs of a toxic relationship“.
► (Re)learn to assert yourself and set limits, which inevitably allows you to become aware of your true value and to put respect back at the center of your life. “A relationship is toxic when boundaries are crossed. (even if the person apologizes afterwards)“, says our expert.
► Break with the other physically and psychically. “A toxic relationship being harmful, you have to manage to get away from it both mentally and geographically.“. Remoteness can be progressive (limit interactions, no longer include the other in their outings or projects…) or radical (break up with his partner). “A toxic relationship ends when one of the two people no longer fits into the other’s game and leaves no room for manipulation.“, summarizes Dana Castro.
► Get help. We sometimes need a third person or outside help to really be able to get out of a toxic relationship and no longer be under the influence of this person. psychological work may be necessary to have the tools to understand and implement the most appropriate reactions.
Can a toxic relationship change?
In life, nothing is fixed, so in absolute terms, yes, a toxic relationship can change and heal. For this, both partners must become aware of the other’s state of suffering and both must be motivated to find resolutions, in particular through exchanges, good communication, objective questioning and mutual adjustments. “If one of the two does not see the problem or does not want to dialogue, it may be very complicated or even impossible. Also beware of false solutions which do not solve the basic problem: for example, going on a trip with the unfounded hope that the relationship will calm down or change… Worst: having a child to try to save a relationship“, concludes our expert.
Thanks to Dana Castro, psychologist and psychotherapist.