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Do you feel like you’re accumulating love stories that aren’t going anywhere? If you are not solely responsible, your unfortunate choice may be linked to a personal reason. But according to a therapist specializing in couples relationships, it is also possible to get out of it. Here are 5 reasons why this is happening to you.
Once again you find yourself disappointed with the turn taken by a new relationship: partner suddenly distant, ghosting, incomprehension when everything seemed to “match” at first glance… Could it be another emotionally unstable person? But once the relationship ends, you find yourself confused, convinced that there is something wrong with you and that you are not “lovable.” A situation which can be explained, however, according to Caitlin Cantor, sexologist and relationship specialist. In Psychology Today, she details 5 reasons why you find yourself in these relationships. Better yet, it details how to break the “spell”!
You seek validation, rather than connection
If your approach to dating is about being liked, chosen, or “finding” someone, you’re probably looking for confirmation of your worth, which makes you a magnet for emotionally unavailable people.
“If you want a relationship, you need to seek connection, not validation. You can’t develop a connection when you see the person you’re dating as having the power to confirm or deny your worth. This puts them at- above you”, explains the therapist. In other words, show up to appointments already knowing your worth.
Because quick attention feels good
Getting involved with emotionally unavailable partners feels good because you avoid the uncertainty of moving slowly (they go all out, at first). Instead, you feel comfortable, connected, and close (at least initially). Feeling loved and wanted feels good. Attention feels good. Certainty feels good. The problem is that none of this is real unless there is enough time for the relationship to develop. “You like their ideas, but you can’t truly love someone until you know them. You can’t know them until you spend a lot of time with them. Learn to tolerate uncertainty and move slowly in dating. This is the only way to develop true connection and true love.” underlines the therapist.
Because you carry unresolved wounds
If you suffered from a lack of love from your parents, for example, it almost makes sense that you would be attracted to emotionally unavailable people from whom you would hope for change…”Except that’s not what’s happening. You continue to insist that you are unlovable. But remember, you’re not the reason your parents didn’t do better, and you’re not the reason the people you date failed you either. Learn to stop viewing red flags as a challenge and instead view them as dangerous.”.
Because you are also emotionally unavailable
If you continue to attract emotionally unavailable people, chances are you are emotionally unavailable as well. Otherwise, you would see someone’s inability to meet your needs as an obstacle, not a challenge. “If this is familiar to you, and you have wounds to heal, you might benefit from having access to a relationship therapist, who can teach you in real time how to maintain a healthy relationship.”
Because that’s what you’ve always known
If you grew up with an emotionally unavailable or absent parent, this relationship dynamic is familiar and what you know. Worse, emotionally available people seem boring to you. This is often because you are not used to the level of intimacy offered by stable people. The problem is that you are not moving forward. “You need to practice dating emotionally available people in order to get used to it. Ultimately, this new relationship dynamic will be more familiar, comfortable and attractive. You must go through a process of change, which involves discomfort and uncertainty. The reward, on the other hand, is well worth the struggle.” hears Caitlin Cantor.
Take back control of your story
In the end, the therapist insists: you have nothing “unlovable” about you. But it’s important to realize and take ownership of the role in co-creating the repetitive cycle you’re stuck in.
“You always play a role in your life. Once you know the role you play, you can stop perpetuating the same cycle. You can work to heal old wounds and learn new, healthier relationship skills. You are the hero of your story Don’t give up on the loving, healthy relationship you want and deserve.”
Slide: 8 questions to ask your partner (and yourself) for a lasting relationship