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When tension is rising and you sense your child is in the midst of an emotional storm, certain words or attitudes can calm him down, while others risk accentuating the crisis. Here are 5 things to avoid, according to a child psychologist.
Children’s tantrums or crying fits can sometimes be surprising for parents, as they can be so violent. But when taken by surprise, we don’t always know how to react. And the way we approach the problem can sometimes add fuel to the fire rather than helping to calm things down. That’s the opinion of Dr. Jazmine, an American child psychologist, better known as @themompsychologist on Instagram, who advises avoiding 5 phrases in the middle of the storm.
“Take a deep breath”
Asking your child to breathe when they seem to be at their wit’s end is not stupid… but it is not something that can be commanded in this way, as long as the child does not know how to practice this help themselves. On the contrary, you are asking them to control themselves while they are in the grip of an intense emotion.
Instead, the expert advises acting differently by taking yourself as an example: “We are living in an intense moment right now, I am going to take a deep breath to calm down, you can join me if you wish, otherwise it is not serious”. There is a good chance that your child will not feel forced to come with you.
“What’s wrong with you?”
Yes, anger and arguments can sometimes overwhelm you too and make you say things without meaning to.But not only does this type of question not offer many solutions, it also induces shame and defensiveness on the part of your child.”
Since your child is not yet mature enough to express his or her needs, it would be more accurate to say “Wow, you’re very angry. When you’re calmer I’d like to know what’s going on for you to get to this point.”
“You’re really exaggerating” or “you’re too sensitive!”
Of course, a child, especially a young one, will tend to experience things intensely, and can go from smiling to angry in a matter of minutes. But putting these words on their anger would only add fuel to the fire, according to the psychologist. Again, this does not really provide a solution.
“If you continue like this, you won’t have any dessert.”
Whether it’s depriving them of dessert or TV, the psychologist reminds us: threats or ultimatums given during the crisis have never really worked to stop it. On the contrary, they have the gift of adding frustration and tears. If you want to explain to your child the consequences of their actions, it’s not about giving up, but about doing it in an intelligible way.
- Plan them in advance and communicate them calmly to your child;
- Don’t do it in anger either;
- Adapt the punishment to the child’s age.
“Stop with your tantrum, look on the bright side of things”
When your child is in the middle of a meltdown, talking to him about his emotions is usually useless as long as his brain is saturated. It will just seem inappropriate and dismissive to him. Of course, it is important to talk with your child and address his behavior, but wait until he “comes down.”The best cure for anger is to feel heard.” concludes the expert in his Instagram post. It’s just a matter of having a little patience.
Slideshow: Anger: 10 things to do to calm down (before you crack…)