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Recognizing your wrongdoing and apologizing is not an easy thing. But when it comes to doing it, certain expressions have no place, because they do not have the expected effect and cannot fix anything. Here are five mistakes not to make, and phrases not to say, when you need to ask for forgiveness.
Making mistakes is part of life. It is partly through them that we learn and grow. And yet, it is sometimes really difficult to admit your wrongdoing, especially in a relationship, whether it is with family, friends or love. However, apologizing is essential to repairing a broken bond and laying the foundations for a sincere relationship. But according to Carolyn Sharp, psychologist and relationship expert, we often tend to find excuses… that are not really excuses. Here are 5 bad ways to apologize.
“I’m sorry you feel that way.”
It sounds like an excuse, but it isn’t!”It’s like saying to the other person: ‘I’m sorry you’re crazy enough to feel that way,’ or ‘I’m sorry you’re stupid enough to feel that way'”; This statement doesn’t solve anything and usually makes things worse. By not taking responsibility, you further damage your relationship.
“I’m sorry but…”
Again, this is not an excuse, but an introduction to an explanation. This will result in a rationalization of the facts or a justification of your actions that aims to serve you rather than help your partner. “I’m sorry, but I was tired”, “I’m sorry, but I needed it…”. In short, you “yourself” find excuses. Which can disappoint or inflame the debate.
A quick “sorry”
Throwing out a classic “sorry” without any sentiment or explanation is pointless. This is what we call “throwaway excuses” for the psychologist,”because it lacks the true care and intention needed to heal.” But we can do worse! With a “sorry, are you happy now?” or “bwe’re okay, I’m sorry ok?”; underlined in a slightly annoyed tone… You are sure to hurt the other’s feelings.
“I am the worst person in the world”
In another genre, there are those who apologize excessively, giving in the “jI’m so horrible. I am bad. Please forgive me. What are you doing with me?” But behind this string of complaints lies a dishonest little technique: that of reversing the script, focusing attention on how you feel, rather than emphasizing the person who is hurt.This forces the injured partner to care for the person who injured them and creates an imbalance in support that causes significant harm.”
Good in his body, good in his head!
“Okay, sorry, I won’t help you anymore then.”
This is called a punishment apology, which involves making the person who deserves and asks for an apology pay. It may look like “Fine, sorry, I’ll never try to help you again!” Or “Too bad, sorry, but your request was too difficult too!” It’s not an excuse, it’s a way of seeing the other person as the problem because they were the one asking for a favor.”This is the most common form of non-apology. toxic and it has no place in a healthy relationship.”
However, let’s be honest, out of bad faith, or out of annoyance, we have all already used one of these false excuses, in our weakest and most vulnerable moments. “There is always the possibility of healing and growing.” concludes the psychologist. And it starts with knowing how to apologize properly.