Florence Millot, psychologist and author of the book “J’me pas faire dans la cour de récré” gives her advice to help schoolchildren become masters of repartee, and to defend themselves according to the situation.
“He told me that my drawing was ugly”, “he doesn’t want me to play football with him anymore because I’m too bad”, “he doesn’t want to be my friend anymore”… Children are sometimes excluded from the group, devalued or made fun of, without really knowing how to react. The parents then advise them not to pay attention, to walk away and to ignore the comrade who is causing the problem, but this communication risks trivializing their emotions. Result: the child “don’t dare to say anything anymore, neither at home, because their attempt was not taken seriously, nor in the yard not having the weapons to defend themselves“, explains Florence Millot*, psychologist, educational psychologist and author of the book”I don’t let myself be fooled in the playground“, published by Horay. Through this manual of emotional self-defense, the specialist gives her advice to those who “annoy them”, by making them aware of their value.
1 – Help him take a step back and reassure him
In her book, the author explains the four principles of Tatakai. What is it about ? First of all, “the principle of the open window” consists in creating an opening in the mind of the child. Thus, when he feels cornered, he will have an easier time taking a step back if he is aware that solutions exist, such as changing school for example.” Knowing that there can be a plan B reassures the child and gives him strength to move forward, “says the author in her book. “The principle of elevation“also helps him to understand that this situation is not final. Indeed, the little ones live in the present moment. “They do not have this notion of relativity and taking a step back from life like adults” , adds Florence Millot. To this is added “the principle of the net in the head“. Concretely, your child needs to feel protected and to know that his parents believe what he says. “It is essential to know how to listen to your child without judgement, ask him questions and tell him that you will be ready to intervene. at school if the situation persists”, advises the psychologist. Finally, “the principle of exception” is to allow your child to defend themselves when words are not enough.
2 – Get to know these children who attack better
Florence Millot analyzes the different profiles of aggressors (the leader, the trendy, the boss, the manipulator, the plague, etc.). For each of them, she details his behavior, his way of acting on the other children and the reason why the latter obey him, as well as what he feels in secret. Understanding them better allows you to know their weaknesses, and to show your child that deep down, “the jealous” seeks to belittle others because he himself has a lack.
3 – Confide, exchange and value it
The author recommends that parents talk about their own experience so that the child understands that he is not the only one to experience this situation and that in the end things will work out. The opportunity also to explain to them that the people who are believed to be the strongest often hide weaknesses. Conversely, your child may look small, but feel big and strong. Discussing, exchanging and valuing your child is essential to give him self-confidence and guide him on the path to self-affirmation.
4 – Apply the four types of self-defense
The verbal mirror technique consists of referring his opponent to his own aggressiveness, by asking him a question that leads him to think and make him lose his balance, while keeping his calm. “You assume that he has HIS right and you want to know more. His point of view interests you (but you are not obliged to agree with him)”, explains the author. Thus, “the more you get him to think, the less he attacks you because you make him talk about him and not about you, that’s the secret”, she reveals.
The dodging technique allows the child to show the other that his aggressiveness does not affect him with sentences such as “So what?”, “If that bothers you, do you want to talk about it?” or even, “Think what you want, it’s your problem, not reality”, she gives as an example.
The shield technique is the art of knowing how to say no or stop when the situation displeases us. Sometimes a firm attitude and gaze can be just as effective.
At last, the technique of the venerable warrior aims to help the child become aware of his own value so that he can gain respect by showing his classmate his strengths, without listening to external judgments. “I am as I am”, “I have the right to…”
In her book “I don’t let myself be done in the playground”, Florence Millot also offers tracks, in the form of a game, to allow her child to practice responding to her attacker.
*Comments collected in March 2019