Published on
Updated
Reading 4 min.
in collaboration with
Amélie Boukhobza (Clinical psychologist)
Contacting an ex to tell them you miss them or asking for explanations is sometimes tempting. But this is rarely a good idea. To take stock and not give in to impulse, here are 10 questions to ask yourself before clicking “send”.
But what are you doing with this phone in your hand writing the desperate text message to your ex? Do you really think this act will change things between you? In theory, a few words via text message don’t seem very harmful. In practice, this risks prolonging your grief. On the verge of temptation, here are 10 questions to ask yourself before acting.
What will this SMS bring you?
This is the basic question: why message your ex now? Why ? Do you need clarification? Are you bored? The question is worth asking because without a good reason you are only setting yourself up to suffer more.
What do you really want to tell him?
Ultimately, is there really anything you want to say to your ex? A weight on his heart, a detail he didn’t know? If important information is at stake, you can indeed share it. But if it is simply a matter of complaining or seeking conflict, it is better to vent to a friend, or to put what is weighing you down in a letter that you will keep.
Has this already been said?
Let’s be honest, if your message is simply to repeat for the 15th time that you miss your ex and that you are suffering, refrain. A priori he already knows it and here you are only reopening a wound unnecessarily and preventing yourself from healing.
What do you think he will answer?
Sending a message is one thing, but expecting a response is more realistic. How will your text be understood and interpreted? Should you expect a simple “OK”, or “Thank you”, or a shower of reproaches? In any case, the result will not be satisfactory. So just ask yourself this: Don’t you have better things to do now than argue again?
Because yes, it is a possibility! You send a message…and he or she doesn’t read it. Or worse, the message turns out to be read, but no response comes to you. On the other hand, you imagine your last message, well entered in your discussion as proof that your ex had the last word.
Do you want to get back together?
Certainly, if you made a mistake and want to get back with your ex, a message can be a first step. But here again a little thought is necessary: does your ex want to prolong the experience? And yours? Is it out of boredom or out of love that you show up? And more importantly, was this relationship good for you? Essential questions before making another mistake.
Will you be proud of this tomorrow?
The truth can be hurtful, but it’s a question to ask yourself especially if you’re feeling hopeless. Yes, you are suffering, but don’t you risk regretting this text message tomorrow, in a week, in a month? Won’t you feel better if you keep a little pride?
Is it really necessary to wish him on his birthday?
Ah, the innocuous message to wish you a happy birthday… But also to show that you still exist! Is this really useful? The answer is no. Your message will likely arrive amid other wishes from people still in your ex’s life. And the excuse of “remaining good friends” is only valid if you are actually friends, in everyday life. If you don’t do anything as friends the rest of the time, avoid sweet words!
Has water flowed under the bridges?
When did your breakup happen? Recently, last month? Less than a year ago? The response is often “too early” to send a message back. Unless it’s been years and things have really changed in both of your lives, texting will just be a desperate way to get attention. Be realistic with your expectations.
Is he (or she) single?
This is an important detail: if your ex is now in a new relationship, there’s a good chance that he or she has moved on. In this case, the ex is probably not waiting to hear from you, and neither is his or her partner; do you really want to be the person who causes conflict? And who will be the one to inflate the ex’s ego (without getting anything)?
Why is texting an ex often a bad idea?
For a slightly more detailed answer, we contacted Amélie Boukhobza, clinical psychologist and member of our expert committee. According to her, the practice of SMS thrown like a bottle into the sea is frequent, but often unsuccessful.
“Before any action, you must already ask yourself the question: why write to your ex? For what purpose? Why want to keep a relationship with your ex? What does the pretext matter if the goal is to reconnect, time has passed and to water has flowed under the bridge. So you have to be prepared to not receive a response or to receive a response that may not be the one you expected! We don’t know where he or she is at in his life!”
And to all those who have the good excuse to ask for news, with all due respect, the psychologist responds:
“If it’s just to catch up on news or to pass the time if you’re alone, not sure that’s the best thing to do either! An ex is an ex, it lives up to its name, that means that it belongs to the past! And that there are undoubtedly very good reasons for that. Your life belongs to the future. Instead, write about your future…”